When we moved to Germany, I knew I would eventually be giving up my paid gig and my days would be filled with taking care of my son and the majority of the housework. I completed the switch-over two years ago and became a full time time parent. I was so excited that I would have the time to entertain my little guy and not have deadlines to face, conference calls to be on or external stress to bring home. We had a blast. He was my best friend and we went everywhere. My husband would come home from work, interrupting our play, and tell us we were the ‘biggest goofballs,’ that we had a bond like no other.
I found out I was pregnant and was excited for the new addition but the exhaustion set in early. The “terrible twos” bumped up a few notches and I had the pleasure of dealing with tantrums between the laughs but I was still in love with being at home with Monkey. Living in another country without many friends can make you feel secluded and lonely at times. The main adult interaction I had was my husband after work and on the weekends. Somewhere along the way, I lost my identity and just became “mom.” I soon started thinking of how nice it would be to go into work, maybe one day a week, and have some grownup conversation.
The baby came and I felt my energy plummet. And when she became mobile? Forget about having any “me” time. It was and still is quite difficult to balance out the needs and attention of both of the kids. No one told me how difficult it was to be a parent, let alone being a stay-at-home mom. Our move back to the States was inevitable and I started getting excited about returning to work. I would actually be able to have a full thought without someone climbing on me, trying to stick their finger in my nose, ear, eye or mouth, whining, pulling at the dog’s ears or needing help on the potty. In fact, at work, I would be able to use the toilet completely alone. Pure bliss.
Alas, we have under six months until our big move and all of my excitement for structured validation, adult relationships and having the gift of concentration has turned into anxiety and I’ve already started to miss my children. I mean really miss them. I find myself staring at them as they play and getting completely misty-eyed. I never knew that being a mom would bring me the greatest pleasure and yet the worst feeling of guilt I’ve ever known.
So I’m going to soak up these crazy, hectic moments with my two babes, filled with giggling and smiles, crying and tears. I won’t be able to go back to these days when they’re oh-so young, innocent, perfect little beings where their biggest concern is what they’re eating for lunch. Because the truth is, time does fly by and I don’t want to miss a second of it.